apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
