Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
