I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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