Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
