he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
