is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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