TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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