never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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