i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
