Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
