I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize