Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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