Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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