I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
