all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
