I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize