how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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