My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
