Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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