so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
