The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
