Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
