This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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