How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
