so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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