i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
there was a trapeze. enough said
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
