so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You are the jesus of drinking
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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