i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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