be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
