my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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