My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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