I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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