I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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