So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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