1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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