my sisters under your porch take her home
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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