things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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