I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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