Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
