Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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