I wish I could teleport
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
