i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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