I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm too high and old for this...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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