I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
