This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize