I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
