my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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