I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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