I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
