hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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