I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
