I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
