Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
