She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
