Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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