When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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