Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
