What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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