Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
