That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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