I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
