Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
