I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize