How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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