My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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