I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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