sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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