So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize