end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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