dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
