smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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