not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
