if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
