I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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